Jokes Archive

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Awareness Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get off the children's merry-go-round. 


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Questions
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what colour do they turn?
14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
15. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
16. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
17. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
18. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
21. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
22. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
23. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
24. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
25. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
26. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
27. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
28. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
29. What's another word for synonym?
30. So what's the speed of dark?
31. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
32. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
33. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?

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How do you fit four elephants in a mini-minor ?





Two in the front, Two in the back


How do you fit three giraffes in a mini-minor ?







You can't, the elephants are in there.










How can you tell when the elephants are at the circus ?






The mini-minor is parked outside.


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Some famous scientists answer: Why did the chicken cross the road? 
Andre Ampere: 'To keep up with current events.' 

Albert Einstein: 'Did the chicken really cross the road or did the 

road move beneath the chicken? 

Alexander Graham Bell: 'To get to the nearest phone.' 

Robert Boyle: 'She had been under too much pressure at home.' 

James Watt: 'It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.' 

Thomas Edison: 'She thought it would be an illuminating experience.' 

Jean Foucault: 'It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.' 

Karl Gauss: 'Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the 

other side.' 

Gustav Hertz: 'Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.' 

Georg Ohm: 'There was more resistance on this side of the road.' 

Erwin Schrodinger: 'Since the wording of the question implies the absence 

of an observer (else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is 

evident that the chicken simultaneously did and did not cross the road. In 

the face of this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed 

as mere sophistry - and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.'

*******************************************

Three ducks walked into a bar... 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the

first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of

puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said

Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to

the second duck, "Hi,

and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck

want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,

you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is

Puddles."

*************************************************************

WOMEN IN LEATHER 

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, 

go weak in the knees, 

get dry throats and think irrationally, 

when a woman wears leather clothing? 

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW CAR! 

*********************************

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" 

"Not yet." 

*******************************

A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons the bartender.
"Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."

The bartender ignores him.

"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." Still ignored.

"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"

The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the left
front leg.  The dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.

Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing cowboy boots, jeans,
chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the saloon,
goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here
t'git the man that shot muh paw."

******************************************************************

SUNDAY LESSON

The Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service,
the preacher asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven their
enemies"?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was
past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small
elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies"?

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you
please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person
can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

That little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches"!

 **********************************************************

JUST IN PASSING ...

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came
along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If
you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson .

******************************************************

MARRIAGE

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. 

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front  of him. 

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly as she steps into the
room."Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember when we were 
first  dating, we were so young?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband continues, his voice brimming with emotion. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll see that you go to
jail for 30 years?'"
"I remember that, " she replies softly, taking his hand.
He wipes a tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

*************************************

THE OLD BOY

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies "SEX!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head".

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while"

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".

**************************************************** 

DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven - don't step on
the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains
them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along Comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.  She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.  Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid Eyes on.  Very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular, and thin.  St. Peter chains them together without saying
a word.  The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not really a joke but...

 A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some 

items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he 

picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded 

to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. 

They agreed that it was. 

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured 

them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles 

rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then 

asked the students again if the jar was full. 

They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into 

the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He 

asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded 

with an unanimous "yes." 

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the 

table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively 

filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 

"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. 

The golf balls are the important things--your family, 

your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions

--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, 

your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things 

that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is 

everything else--the small stuff. 

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is 

no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you 

will never have room for the things that are important to you. 

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. 

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. 

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always 

be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of 

the golf balls first, the things that really matter. 

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer 

represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, 

there's always room for a couple of beers." 

************************************************

Lucky Frog

I took the day off of work and decided to go out golfing.  I was on the second
hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green.  I thought nothing of
it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit, 9 Iron."  I looked around
but couldn't see anyone, so I tried again.  "Ribbit. 9 Iron."  I looked at
the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my original club away,
and grabbed a 9 iron.  Boom!  I made a birdie.  I was shocked.  I said to
the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.  You must be a *lucky* frog, eh?"

The frog's reply "Ribbit, Lucky frog.  Lucky frog."

I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think,
frog?"  I asked.

"Ribbit 3 wood,"  was the reply.

I took out a 3 wood, and Boom -- a hole in one.  I was befuddled and didn't
know what to say.  By the end of the day, I'd shot the best round of golf
in my life and asked the frog, "Okay, where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit, Las Vegas".

We went to Las Vegas and I said, "Okay frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table I asked, "What do you think I
should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000 black 6."

Now it was a million to one shot that this would win, but after the luck
I'd had playing golf, I figured "What the heck!"  Boom!  Tons of cash
comes sliding back across the table.  I took my winnings and rented the
best room in the hotel.  I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know
how to repay you.  You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replied, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

I figured "why not", since after all the frog did for me he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in
the world!

"And that, Your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."

*******************************************

It must be Christmas...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He  flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just  what do those symbolize?"  

The man replied,...






 "They're Carols".




  
                 *****************************
 
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them,  "I must
tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the  convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back. "I am so tired  of
Chardonnay." 

A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE ...

I recently picked a new doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive

lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, 

sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done *any* of those things."

He looked at me and said "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"    

**************************

Thoughts ...

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
with.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the
mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 

Pet Shop

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into
a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter
do you keep widdle wabbiths?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so
that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby
or a thoft  and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python
weally givth a phuck."

WHY MEN LIE

(Ladies...please note)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.  When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.  The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.  Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.  The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's
wife fell into the river.  When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this
your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat!  That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine
Zeta-Jones.  Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my
wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.  But
Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three
wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND
USEFUL REASON!
  
 

****************************************************

SECURITY THREAT

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public
school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of
a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

*****************************************************

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get  many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord
says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals?.   With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the
duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the f*&%! would they want with a plasterer?". 

*************************************************

Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR 
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. 
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness,  or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle
their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd 
have to write the exam with your other hand."

******************************************

David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully grown with
a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
 
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example.  Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird got
worse.  He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
 
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer
for a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming-then
suddenly there was quiet.  David was frightened that he might have actually
hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped
out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.  I
will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
 
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to
ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

*********************************************

This week it's time for some strange one-liners...

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information.
She said they were behind the couch.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.

Cross country running is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I got some bird seed.  A bird grew.  Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you're the subject of a psychology experiment, and
nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

*********************************************

An old one but definitely worth another go...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing.  Moses steps up to the tee and
hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway
and lands in the water trap.  Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball
onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the
fairway and heads for the water trap, when a fish jumps up and grabs the ball
in its mouth.  As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle
swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.

The eagle flies off over the green, when a lightning bolt shoots from the
sky and barely misses it.  Startled, the eagle drops the fish.

When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into
the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says: "Dad, if you don't stop stuffing
around, we won't bring you next time."

***********************************

Our Non-Australian readers will have trouble understanding this lot...

This month is the start of the football(Aussie Rules) season.  A good time 
to revisit the classic comments of WA's own Dennis Commetti...

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line..... looking for wide
runners..... passes to Walker... a contradiction in terms, really"

"The goal square's full of Bears, looks like we've got ourselves a convoy"

"The umpire's done himself a mischief"

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his
arms like they're playing My Sharona"

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his
autograph book..."

"A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up until
about 5 minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy."

Dermott: And the ball spills free to Kickett...
Cometti: Troy Cook you mean?
Dermott: Yes.. well, they do look rather alike.
Cometti: How so Dermott?
Dermott: (realising that sounded rather racist.) Umm, well, they are both..
er..
Cometti: .. Midfielders, yes Dermott.

After the Mcmanus/Wirrpunda clash a few derbies back. 'Shaun goes back to
collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.'

COMETTI versus fellow commentator Gerrard Healy:
Healy: 'Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side. They
say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life,
Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man.' 
Commetti: 'Id prefer my mum'
(silence)
Commetti: 'Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care.'


"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray... capable of a subtle hold"

"Barlow to Bateman, the Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck,
they'd probably miss."

"Carl Steinfort looking more like Robert Walls than Robert Walls"

Commetti: "McVeigh, bobbing like a cork in the ocean" [Cue applause from all
in the Nine box, as it was the debut "cork in the ocean" call for the
season]
Commetti: "Well, it was cork material?"

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut"

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf........ hmmm, a farmer with a calf
problem."

"Parker to Carr...... sounds like a match made in heaven!"

After Lloyd gives Wakelin a little slap on ANZAC Day: "Whoaa, there will be
a duel at 5 oclock."

Dennis: "Dear shoots? wait on the goal umpire? behind. A wry smile there
from the goal umpire, certainly a sense of the dramatic."
Don Scott: "He's the danger man, Dennis."
Dennis: "Who? The goal umpire?"
Don: "No, Dear. Paul Dear."
Dennis: "Brennan kicks out to the outer side, straight to Paul Dear - you're
uncanny Don."

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken out
from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on....."

Stewart Dew kicks for goal early in the first: "He was brought here to do
exactly that..(pause)... actually 5 more than that, he kicks a behind."

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better
as a mammal"

On Corey McKernan's poor form: "He's like a long jumper who can't reach the
sand."

"I love that surname Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie -The
Fixter? but I digress..."

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it
wasn't bad enough being in 15th position"

Last night when Richmond kicked up the middle towards Ray Hall:"Richmond
attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Brown..... down to Jones.... all we need now is Smith"

Tony Liberatore had just gone into a pack as he is wont to do and come out
with blood gushing from his eye: "Libba went into the pack optimistically
and came out misty optically."

Dennis, after describing the second of 2 easy dropped marks says, 
"the Tale of Two Sitters".

When Mark went up for a mark: "... and the Mercuri is rising..."

Dermie: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?" Dennis:
"He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"Richardson contests the ruck.... without much conviction. Well, he may be
the best player on their list........ well, certainly Matthew thinks he's
the best player on their list at the moment...... mind you, that's a bit
like being the best Centre Half Forward in Czechoslovakia....."

"Almost a touch of synchronised swimming about that mark..... minus the
peg..."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich Really Lamb should
be in the sandwich."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus time-table"

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy???"

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like a
rent-a- car".

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the
unfriendly post"

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